Tuesday, February 27, 2007
THE DOG SHIT WAR.
(Kitchen scene, woman washing the dishes, mans voice comes from outside the kitchen as he approaches.)
Keith: “I don’t sodding believe it, It’s beggars bloody belief. I’ve not ten minutes since manicured that lawn it’s took me all bloody morning, I go back to have a look and what do you thinks there?”
Sylvia: “I don’t know Keith but im certain your gonna tell me”
Keith: “ A shite! Bold as brass sat there right in the flaming middle of my fucking lawn, starin up at me! That bastard next door, he does it on purpose”
Sylvia: “Jesus Keith give it a rest, its all I hear from your bloody mouth these days, the constant niggling with the neighbours”
(keith scurries off still muttering)
Keith: “Hes an arsehole Sylvia. A complete and utter arsehole.”
(pause while Sylvia sighs and carries on pottering sorting out food)
(Keith returns with a massive turd on a shovel into the kitchen)
Keith: “Look would you. Look at the size of the thing, that’s not a dog he’s got it’s a fucking donkey, its nothing but an industrial shitting machine.”
Sylvia: “Get it out of the kitchen. Your bloody stupid, What sort of person brings a turd into a kitchen where someone’s preparing food. Your going crackers”
Keith: “And what it did to our Trixy was an absolute abomination. How in the name of bloody hell can a Great Dane mate with a Schitzu? It nothing short of bloody rape. Even the vet said he had never seen puppies like them, they were fucking freaks we couldn’t give them away. Who in the right mind would want to be seen walking something like that? They were like rats on stilts! He’s done this on purpose, he could see me out there this morning breaking my back over that garden and he’s waited until I’ve gone in and sent that arsehole on legs out. Why cant he have a normal dog like our Trixy, oh no he has to get a fucking Great Dane. Well he can have his shit back.”
(Keith takes the turd outside and catapults it over the fence)
(cut to the neighbour kitchen, Ron and Jean. Similar set up. Turd hits the flags)
Ron: ”Jesus, what the fuck was that?
Jean: “I don’t know was it a bird?”
(Ron goes out to inspect)
Ron: “No bird could drop a shite like that Jean, it was that prick
next door. He’s got a flaming screw lose. Why he cant act like a normal human being instead of a complete tit all the time is beyond me. His cat comes in our garden and must bury three tonnes of shite a year in my flower bed, not to mention the number of gallons of piss it floods the lawn with, and that stupid little excuse for a dog yapping twenty four hours a day, I know he lets it shit behind my shed. Well two can play at that game.”
Jean: “ I wish you two would put a stop to this and act like grown ups for once in your lives. You spend more time working out ways of getting at each
other than getting on with your lives, its like an obsession.. No wonder he hates you, like that time he was clearing up the leaves from his front, you deliberately hid all that dog muck amongst it so he would get it all over his hands, its disgusting behaviour.”
Ron: “Nothing more than he deserves. I mean what kind of man actually goes to the trouble of sprinkling crushed up Alka Seltzas onto someone else’s lawn and then sits and waits for rain. He has got a screw lose I tell you.
Jean: “well if you hadn’t have fed his dog with a pound of laxative
chocolate before he drove off to his caravan in Wales maybe he wouldn’t have. Sylvia said the car stunk for weeks, they had to have it scrapped in the end because they couldn’t sell it. That poor couple , I cant imagine what it must have been like driving down the A55 with that awful smell. Sylvia was sick everywhere, she doesn’t have a strong stomach at the best of times. Now go out and clean up that shit before it stains the flags and don’t send it back over!”
(Back to Keiths Kitchen)
Keith: “ There we go he’s coming out, he’s seen it, get back he’s looking over”
Sylvia: “ill do no such thing, I have nothing to hide from and I’m certain he wont think that shit had anything to do with me.
Keith: “ No he will just take the chance to leer at you again as he always does. He’s nothing but a bloody pervert”
(Sylvia picks up the washing and takes it out to the line)
Ron: “Afternoon Sylvia”
Sylvia: “Afternoon Ron, how’s Jean?”
Ron: “ She’s fine, she doesn’t have a three foot stripe of dog shit on the flags to scrape up. I suppose this is the work of your
Keith?”
Sylvia: “I’m staying out of your antics, the pair of you are as daft as each other, you shouldn’t be allowed to keep dogs the pair of you. This fence is like a tennis net this past twelve months with shit going back and forth; you wouldn’t think you were in your forties. Tell Jean I was asking about her.”
(Sylvia returns in. Fade in out. Later on in the day. Keith and Sylvia’s
house)
Keith: “Is that tea on Syl? I’m starving. If you get crackin now we can sit and watch Dancing on Ice and I’ve got A Place In The Sun on tape from yesterday as well that we still haven’t watched. Apparently it’s a couple of snobs from London wanting to get away from the ‘rat race’, again! And I’ll bet they don’t put an offer in on any of the houses in the end. Its all a swiz to get a free holiday.”
Sylvia: “You still watch it every day Keith and your only peeved because they haven’t rang you to go on. I saw you filled in the application on line. It was ridiculous, no wonder they haven’t rang you, they can see right through your application, as if they are gonna believe that we are in any position to trade in our Terraced house in Widnes for a Villa in the Bahamas to escape the hustle and bustle of urban life. You live in a dream world.”
(Sylvia picks up the empty washing basket and heads out to bring in the
washing)
Keith: “You never know. Its worth a go to get away from dickhead next door anyway.”
(Keith messes with the pans in the kitchen while Sylvia takes down the
washing. She is stretching up un pegging knickers and smalls, her boobs
look good in the thin cotton tee shirt and Keith looks across to see if the
neighbour is leering. He spots him at the bottom of his garden at the shed
window seemingly pleasuring himself looking at Sylvia. He bursts out livid.)
Keith: “Oy!! You dirty little get, what in Christ’s name do you think your doing you wretched man, wanking in your shed watching my wife’s? You disgust me you really. .”
(stops)
(Ron comes out of the shed still holding the hand saw and piece of wood he had been sawing in the shed and Keith’s face drops as he realises his mistake)
Ron: “What? You have lost your mind, you need fucking certifying mate, stay away from me, you hear? Sylvia, you must be a fucking saint putting up with that cretin! Dickhead!
(Ron dashes into the house)
Sylvia: “Get in!” (angry and embarrassed tone)
I’ve never been so embarrassed in all of my life. The whole neighbourhood would have heard that, what on earth will people think of us? How can I look Jean in the eye after this, after you accusing him of.. of.. God I feel sick, I cant even say the words.”
(uncomfortable silence)
Keith: “Dancing on Ice will be starting in a minute, we better get the dinner on”
(Keith exits. Fade)
(Kitchen scene, woman washing the dishes, mans voice comes from outside the kitchen as he approaches.)
Keith: “I don’t sodding believe it, It’s beggars bloody belief. I’ve not ten minutes since manicured that lawn it’s took me all bloody morning, I go back to have a look and what do you thinks there?”
Sylvia: “I don’t know Keith but im certain your gonna tell me”
Keith: “ A shite! Bold as brass sat there right in the flaming middle of my fucking lawn, starin up at me! That bastard next door, he does it on purpose”
Sylvia: “Jesus Keith give it a rest, its all I hear from your bloody mouth these days, the constant niggling with the neighbours”
(keith scurries off still muttering)
Keith: “Hes an arsehole Sylvia. A complete and utter arsehole.”
(pause while Sylvia sighs and carries on pottering sorting out food)
(Keith returns with a massive turd on a shovel into the kitchen)
Keith: “Look would you. Look at the size of the thing, that’s not a dog he’s got it’s a fucking donkey, its nothing but an industrial shitting machine.”
Sylvia: “Get it out of the kitchen. Your bloody stupid, What sort of person brings a turd into a kitchen where someone’s preparing food. Your going crackers”
Keith: “And what it did to our Trixy was an absolute abomination. How in the name of bloody hell can a Great Dane mate with a Schitzu? It nothing short of bloody rape. Even the vet said he had never seen puppies like them, they were fucking freaks we couldn’t give them away. Who in the right mind would want to be seen walking something like that? They were like rats on stilts! He’s done this on purpose, he could see me out there this morning breaking my back over that garden and he’s waited until I’ve gone in and sent that arsehole on legs out. Why cant he have a normal dog like our Trixy, oh no he has to get a fucking Great Dane. Well he can have his shit back.”
(Keith takes the turd outside and catapults it over the fence)
(cut to the neighbour kitchen, Ron and Jean. Similar set up. Turd hits the flags)
Ron: ”Jesus, what the fuck was that?
Jean: “I don’t know was it a bird?”
(Ron goes out to inspect)
Ron: “No bird could drop a shite like that Jean, it was that prick
next door. He’s got a flaming screw lose. Why he cant act like a normal human being instead of a complete tit all the time is beyond me. His cat comes in our garden and must bury three tonnes of shite a year in my flower bed, not to mention the number of gallons of piss it floods the lawn with, and that stupid little excuse for a dog yapping twenty four hours a day, I know he lets it shit behind my shed. Well two can play at that game.”
Jean: “ I wish you two would put a stop to this and act like grown ups for once in your lives. You spend more time working out ways of getting at each
other than getting on with your lives, its like an obsession.. No wonder he hates you, like that time he was clearing up the leaves from his front, you deliberately hid all that dog muck amongst it so he would get it all over his hands, its disgusting behaviour.”
Ron: “Nothing more than he deserves. I mean what kind of man actually goes to the trouble of sprinkling crushed up Alka Seltzas onto someone else’s lawn and then sits and waits for rain. He has got a screw lose I tell you.
Jean: “well if you hadn’t have fed his dog with a pound of laxative
chocolate before he drove off to his caravan in Wales maybe he wouldn’t have. Sylvia said the car stunk for weeks, they had to have it scrapped in the end because they couldn’t sell it. That poor couple , I cant imagine what it must have been like driving down the A55 with that awful smell. Sylvia was sick everywhere, she doesn’t have a strong stomach at the best of times. Now go out and clean up that shit before it stains the flags and don’t send it back over!”
(Back to Keiths Kitchen)
Keith: “ There we go he’s coming out, he’s seen it, get back he’s looking over”
Sylvia: “ill do no such thing, I have nothing to hide from and I’m certain he wont think that shit had anything to do with me.
Keith: “ No he will just take the chance to leer at you again as he always does. He’s nothing but a bloody pervert”
(Sylvia picks up the washing and takes it out to the line)
Ron: “Afternoon Sylvia”
Sylvia: “Afternoon Ron, how’s Jean?”
Ron: “ She’s fine, she doesn’t have a three foot stripe of dog shit on the flags to scrape up. I suppose this is the work of your
Keith?”
Sylvia: “I’m staying out of your antics, the pair of you are as daft as each other, you shouldn’t be allowed to keep dogs the pair of you. This fence is like a tennis net this past twelve months with shit going back and forth; you wouldn’t think you were in your forties. Tell Jean I was asking about her.”
(Sylvia returns in. Fade in out. Later on in the day. Keith and Sylvia’s
house)
Keith: “Is that tea on Syl? I’m starving. If you get crackin now we can sit and watch Dancing on Ice and I’ve got A Place In The Sun on tape from yesterday as well that we still haven’t watched. Apparently it’s a couple of snobs from London wanting to get away from the ‘rat race’, again! And I’ll bet they don’t put an offer in on any of the houses in the end. Its all a swiz to get a free holiday.”
Sylvia: “You still watch it every day Keith and your only peeved because they haven’t rang you to go on. I saw you filled in the application on line. It was ridiculous, no wonder they haven’t rang you, they can see right through your application, as if they are gonna believe that we are in any position to trade in our Terraced house in Widnes for a Villa in the Bahamas to escape the hustle and bustle of urban life. You live in a dream world.”
(Sylvia picks up the empty washing basket and heads out to bring in the
washing)
Keith: “You never know. Its worth a go to get away from dickhead next door anyway.”
(Keith messes with the pans in the kitchen while Sylvia takes down the
washing. She is stretching up un pegging knickers and smalls, her boobs
look good in the thin cotton tee shirt and Keith looks across to see if the
neighbour is leering. He spots him at the bottom of his garden at the shed
window seemingly pleasuring himself looking at Sylvia. He bursts out livid.)
Keith: “Oy!! You dirty little get, what in Christ’s name do you think your doing you wretched man, wanking in your shed watching my wife’s? You disgust me you really. .”
(stops)
(Ron comes out of the shed still holding the hand saw and piece of wood he had been sawing in the shed and Keith’s face drops as he realises his mistake)
Ron: “What? You have lost your mind, you need fucking certifying mate, stay away from me, you hear? Sylvia, you must be a fucking saint putting up with that cretin! Dickhead!
(Ron dashes into the house)
Sylvia: “Get in!” (angry and embarrassed tone)
I’ve never been so embarrassed in all of my life. The whole neighbourhood would have heard that, what on earth will people think of us? How can I look Jean in the eye after this, after you accusing him of.. of.. God I feel sick, I cant even say the words.”
(uncomfortable silence)
Keith: “Dancing on Ice will be starting in a minute, we better get the dinner on”
(Keith exits. Fade)
